Still Grateful…

My first entry was 9/29/19.

WOW… what a difference a year makes.  I half chuckle, half scoff at that comment for its realness and gravity as much as the head shaking “what in the actual fuck” thoughts that immediately surface.  Also, cliche much?  

Suddenly I’m torn about writing a piece on the top 10 most widely used cliches of 2020,  any one of those “WITAF” thoughts or just shutting the laptop and not writing at all.  I’m sure at some point I’ll do all of those and then some but in this moment, I’m just going to hang out in GRATITUDE for every second of the last year. 

Since September of last year, I’ve danced publicly more than once, helped others to find their dancing feet.  I have experienced serious health issues and healing.  I have been terrified and broken and sad and then loved through it all by my beautiful circle of family and friends.  I’ve been cut open literally and on more of a soul level.  I have been faithful and faithless when facing hard things.  I’ve grown from fighting my body to loving and thanking it for being so incredibly strong and resilient.  I’ve experienced wins and losses.  I’ve let my mouth and ego run rampant in defense of my decisions and I’ve also experienced the peace in just letting go of that need and letting folks think what they will and being super OK with that.  I’ve been courageous AF more than once all the while scared and anxious.  I fought hard to let go of things and people that were not for me and cried a lot of tears from multiple stops along the spectrum of emotions.  I’m still fighting, fucking up at times, learning and…

I. Am. Still. Grateful. 

How could I be anything but… really? In a year that rates right up there with 1988-89 in terms of difficulty and scary, sad, shit, I was able to grow in love of and for myself.  I’ve reached a space of trust and comfort with me that feels so good I don’t even want to frame it with words.  I feel so connected and rooted internally.  This feeling,  it’s both vaguely familiar like that clean freeness of a child swinging and scooping the sky with their feet as they rise higher and higher…. mmmmmm and for all those same reasons, it also feels new, wondrous, and light. 

More than once recently I’ve reflected on the past and regrets.  Specifically, the last 5 years because it’s the last time I really gave myself away in such degrading and unhealthy ways in quite a while.  Fact- I’ve been giving myself away since childhood I just mean this is the most recent example and one of the lengthier lessons in this decade or longer.   Sometimes comments come from friends inquiring if I wish it had never happened.  Sometimes those comments are my own internal dialogue.  I used to respond loudly with YES and then spin into some version of “if I had never…”  that’s a fun game to play and great use of time… until it isn’t.  

My response as of late, with either audience sounds more like this:  “I cannot regret the last 5 years because they brought me back to me.  I learned how to LOVE and TRUST myself completely.  And, in doing so, was able to free myself and other folks that I thought I needed to love me for me to feel loved.” 

I thought I had more to say but I wanna bask in those last lines a bit.

Gratefully,
xxoo